You are standing in front of a strange website.
It is whirring with a mechanical whir, and you can see the site is powered using steam and clockwork technology. There is a purple haze all around it, and it seems to be drawing you in.
There is a dark presence in the room, like something evil has happened here. Either that, or someone forgot to switch on the lights.
Either way, you feel a sense of dread. Because you are scared of the dark.
There is a huge iron gate in front of you, and behind it, complete darkness. The gate is old and rusted, and covered in vines. A broken sign says:
What do you do?
[[You have no idea how you arrived here, or what this is about]]
[[You run away, like the coward you are]]
[[You charge in, like a brave little kitty]]
Were you lookin' for tranny porn? For some reason, this site ranks highly for that.
Anyway, you won't find none of that 'ere. This sir/madam is a family friendly site, thank you very much.
[[Click here to leave->You run away, like the coward you are]]You turn back and start walking away.
Was the corridor always this long?
Had it always been spinning?
Why can't you breathe? Why is the world spinning? Where are you? *WHO* are you?
[[And then, you see an exit->start]] The corridor is dark, the corridor is long, but you keep charging ahead.
Nothing will stop you from your quest to find Pokemon pr0n.
You come across a large bridge, under which flows a river of blood. Guarding the bridge is a foul beast that looks like Cthulhu , but isn't Cthulhu because we dont have the copyright license for that.
"Halt!" shouts Chinese Cthulhu Knockoff (CCK from now on). "If you wish to cross, you must defeat me in battle."
You check your pockets and find a half eaten banana (*no you weren't happy to see the CCK, it was just a banana in your pocket*), a burst condom you were planning to ask a refund for, and a knife. What do you do?
[[Charge at the CCK with your knife and condom.]]
[[Tell him you are a lover, not a fighter]]
Hello, Mr Arnold Schwa-whats-his-name-ager. Thanks for visiting my website. What the hell is wrong with you? What makes you think you can charge the villain's castle from the front gate? Are you immortal, or just incredibly stupid?
Go back and try again.You slip on your banana, and stab yourself. And then you cry for your mummy."Very well. But you must still prove to me you are a hero / heroine. To do so, you must answer a series of questions. Only a hero will be able to answer these. Are you ready?
[[I need to do some stuff first, KThxBye->start]]
Your girlfriend Princess Toad (or boyfriend Donald Trump) has been kidnapped by an evil warlord, is being held at a huge castle. What do you do?
[[A Charge in. From the front gate. You are a hero, goddamn it!]]
[[B Sneak in from the air vent. Knock out the guards stealthily, and get your girlfriend out.]]
[[C Get a job in the castle. Find it's weaknesses and secret exits. At a opportune time, grab your GF/BF, and get the hell out of there.]]
[[D Call the police. It's their job, after all.]]
What are you, a puppy? The hero manual says you must always refuse the request the first time. This will make you look important and busy. Besides, how do you know he won't just kill you in the forest and steal your money?
FAIL.Is the correct answer.
Question 3: The Dark Side offers you a deal. Magic powers, unlimited wealth, hot men/women, company car, dental insurance, the lot. The Good Side, including your fat mentor, says you must do the right thing. What do you do?
[[A. Kill the fat mentor. Just cause you want to. Join the Dark Side. After all, evil is relative, right?]]
[[B. Kill the Evil Lord. Become the good guy. Watch with sadness as all the hot men/woman walk away. Become a hero.]]
[[C. Kill both the sides, and become the new ruler. Have a party!]]
[[D. Insist your lawyer will first look at the contract of both sides before you can decide. Tell the Dark Side their offer of hot men/women constitutes sexual harassment.]]
May work, but how do you know the henchmen won't try to kill you anyway? Better keep the fat bastard alive, at least until he teaches you his magic.
But we like your style, so [[can you move on->B You say no at first, but accept later on, after the fat mentor shows you his official certificate from the "Fat Mentors Society".]]
We won't stop you from such an important job. Filling your taxes.
Saying so, the CCK eats you.Hello, Mr Arnold Schwa-whats-his-name-ager. Thanks for visiting my website. What the hell is wrong with you? What makes you think you can charge the villain's castle from the front gate? Are you immortal, or just incredibly stupid?
FAIL."Good," says the CCK. "Will work, if you take it slow, but not that slow that your girlfriend gets bored and starts dating the dungeon cleaner."
A fat man comes to you and offers you a noble mission to defeat the evil overlord. Do you take it?
[[A Yes, yes yes! You are bored of your life anyway, so why not?]]
[[B You say no at first, but accept later on, after the fat mentor shows you his official certificate from the "Fat Mentors Society".]]
[[C You kill the fat bastard, because you know he's being followed by the villain's henchmen, and they will try to kill you later on.]]
[[D Tell him you are too busy doing your taxes.]]Police? Are you sure you are a hero/heroine?
Next time, try doing something *brave* for a change.
Yeah, because the architect of the castle was your uncle, and he took extra time to ensure there was a conveniently placed air vent just for you, that leads right up to the secret dungeon. What else? Should we put in a toilet and cold drink machine in the vent for you as well?
Try again, this time without your uncle.How do you know the Evil Lord will keep his promise? Did you not read the "Evil" part? If you must go down this route, at least choose option C.The politically correct choice. Don't worry about losing money, though. Once you become the hero, you will get plenty of toothpaste ads that will make you rich. And hot men/women just love people who appear in toothpaste ads.
Question 4: So you are facing the evil Lord Evil. Just as you are about to attack him, he reveals his secret. He is your cousin's aunt's brother's mother's son's brother. What do you do?
[[A. Nothing. You still have to stop him.]]
[[B. Fall down on the ground crying. "Nooooo! Say it isn't true! I can't kill my cousin's aunt's brother's mother's son's brother."]]
[[C. Ask him how the cousin's aunt's brother's mother's son is. And then kill him.]]
[[D. Since you are related, invite him to run a get rich quick pyramid scheme with you.]]
We like your style. But be careful! You are going to piss off a lot of people.
So even though this isn't the "politically" correct answer, you [[get to move on->B. Kill the Evil Lord. Become the good guy. Watch with sadness as all the hot men/woman walk away. Become a hero.]]
You and your lawyer will be found floating in a river, face down.
DEAD END.Correct answer. But you could have been polite and chosen option C.
[[Move ahead anyway->C. Ask him how the cousin's aunt's brother's mother's son is. And then kill him.]]Get yourself together, man. Act like a hero.C is correct, with added points for being polite.
Question 5: The beautiful Princess is up for marriage. But first you must cross into the valley of gloom, go over the mountain of doom, cross the river of hell, and steal an ancient artifact. What do you do?
[[A. You do all the above, of course. Cause you totally love the Princess.]]
[[B. You know that if it's meant to be, you and the Princess will come together. So you wait for destiny to make you come together.]]
[[C. You buy the ancient artifact from eBay. And then you marry the Princess. And have an affair with her sister.]]
[[D. Tell the King the Princess is a free woman, who can't be married off just because the story demands an improbable and idiotic adventure.]]
Go away. It's clear you are not serious about this. Shoo!What are you, stupid? Do you really think doing all that will get you the Princess? What do you think the Princess is doing when you are off trotting into the valley of gloom? Coochie cooing with her real boyfriend.
You deserve to dieYeah sure. And maybe destiny will throw in a lottery as well. And maybe you will also discover the lost island of Atlantis. Keep dreaming.
Correct! eBay. Also buy some chocolates and flowers for the girl. Don't buy anything kinky, as it's your first date.
Well done! You have answered all the questions. One last bonus question.
Bonus Question: You capture the evil monster who has been terrorizing the village and ravaging all the women. What do you do?
[[We will just give you the answer for this]]
A good feminist answer. But you are in the wrong story, bro. There is only one answer to this. You take off the villain's mask, and say, "Why, it's Mr McCreedy from the cheese factory! It was his plan all along. He wanted to scare the villagers away, so he could corner the local cheese market."
"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids!"
The CCK moves away.
<a href="books.html">Click here to enter the Portal of the Puppy Lord</a>