The Real Reason the Death Star Blew Up (the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know This!)

Vader was deep in meditation, meditating on juicy watermelons, when his buzzer rang.

It rang with the song of Justin Beiber.

Is it too late to say I’m sorry? Because, I love more than just your body.

Vader groaned inside. Only one man had the courage to change his ringtone like that. He switched on the Holocron circuit.

“Yes, my lord,” he said.

“Hey Vader my mater, wassup?” said the Emperor Palpatine. “It’s me”.

Of course it’s you, your idiotic ring tone told me thought Vader, but did not say it out loud.

“It goes well, my lord.”

“Good. Killed enough people today? Done your share of evil so you can keep your Sith membership badge?”

Vader considered this. “I have not killed anyone this week, my lord, but I did use the women’s toilet and left the toilet seat up. Also, I drank all the milk in the common room and did not replace it.”

“Good enough, old chap, good enough. And now for some bad news.”

Palpatine became very quiet, and Vader felt impatient. Go on, say it already.

“I’m afraid, ole chap, that your porn collection has been stolen.”

“What?!” said Vader. “My what?”

“Also, the plans to the Death Star.”

“Go back a minute. And repeat that.”

“Well, it’s like this. When you were a little boy, you liked to watch older women in the shower and you made videos….”

“NOT THAT!” boomed Vader. “The Death Star plans. Tell me about that.”

“Well, what’s there to tell?” said the Emperor, picking his nose. “Someone stole them.”

“And……….?” said Vader.

Palpatine leaned forward, till you could see his nasal hair in the camera. “Jeez, bru, they have the plans to our super weapon, man. You want me to spell it out?”

Vader took a deep breath, and counted to five. “My lord, last year I gave a presentation. About not following Security through Obscurity. And that we should design our products in such a way that they are safe even if their plans are leaked. It is good engineering and safety practice. Did you not follow it?”

“Blah blah blah, Powerpoint clippy bluescreen. I did follow it, but the problem is, we have a problem. There is a open mine shaft, and if someone fires a what’s-them-called-doohickey…”

“A torpedo, my lord”.

“Yes, a torpedo doohickey, they can destroy our whole base.”

“Well, the solution is simple, my lord. Cover the mine shaft with a steel grating. That’s it. Five minutes, and the Death Star is safe.”

“Yeah, yeah, it takes six months of paperwork to do anything here. I’ve filled in the paperwork, but don’t know if it’ll be fixed on time. Meanwhile, I want you to recover the Death Star plans.”

Vader bowed. “My lord, you have 9 gazillion soldiers, 20,000 battle ships, 10,000 secret police. Why do you want me to go running around?”

“Because your porn collection is also stored on the same disc, my boy. Now chop chop, get your pretty ass out there and get back my plans.”

Before Vader could reply, Palpatine had already hung up.

#

As their battleship hurtled towards the enemy ship, Vader found it hard to avoid the questions of the troops.

“So why can’t we just put a grate on the hole sir? That’s what we do with drains back home, and it works,” said a trooper.

“It’s not that simple,” said Vader. “We also have to worry about pictures of the Emperor Palpatine in his underwear that are stored on that computer.”

The storm trooper wasn’t convinced, so Vader looked away. “Look! Stars. Billions and billions of them. Did you know the sky had so many stars, trooper?”

“But sir, this whole mission sounds fishy…”

“Sound! Yes, sound. Did you know that space conducts no sound? Which is strange, as I can hear a tuk-tuk-tuk sound.”

“That’s just the ship’s heating sir.”

“Yes,” said Vader. “Space, the final frontier. We boldly go where no man, woman, Wookie or Twi’lek has gone before.”

“Actually sir, we have been here dozens of times. You yourself…”

“SHUT UP!”

The rest of the journey passed very uncomfortably. Vader was almost relieved when they reached the enemy ship. Now he could kill some evil rebel scum. Fill his evil Sith quota for the whole week.

They stormed the ship and captured this girl with weird hair. “Oye you!” said Vader. “Where is my porn…. sorry, Death Star plan collection?”

“I will die, but never tell you,” said the princess.

Vader groaned. He would miss his karoke session tonight.

#

A few days later

“So, my dark disciple, you have failed to recover the plans to my Death Star,” said the Emperor, speaking slowly, mainly because he had just stuffed a big donut down his throat.

Vader rolled his eyes. “How is the covering for that hole coming along?”

“You are dodging the questions, my apprentice.”

“Apprentice? I’ve been in this job for 30 years. Isn’t it time you promoted me to Junior Sith, Level II?”

Palpatine ignored him as he stuffed another donut, this time filled with jam, down his throat. He pushed it down with cheap fizzy cola.

“Hey Vader, know what my Death Star does?”

Vader didn’t know. “It kills people?”

“Worse. It destroys all the porn stored on computers. Moms Against Immorality asked me to build it.”

“So why is it called a Death Star?”

“Don’t know. Cause it kills your orgasms? High five!”

Vader didn’t want to, but was forced to give the emperor a high five.

“Right, time for a demo. Tarkin, fire the thingy at that planet down below. Alder-something.”

“Yes, my lord. Aldernan.”

There was a whooping and beeping noise as the Death Star fired. The planet blew up.

There might or might not have been a Kaboom sound, as sound doesn’t travel through space. Supposedly.

Everyone looked at Tarkin. “I thought we were only destroying their porn, old boy?”

Tarkin was flustered. “Technicians! Answer.”

A geeky kid wearing a red Star Trek shirt came running up. “Sorry sir. We realised too late the computers on that planet were built by Hollywood Computers. Hollywood Computers blow up when you do anything to them.”

“And you’re telling me now?” said the Emperor. “I hate your red shirt. Guards, take him out and shoot him.”

“But sir! I’m only the wireman. I connect cables….”

As he was dragged out, Vader turned to Palpatine. “Can I look at the plans for the steel grating for that mine shaft?”

Palpatine sniggered. “You and your tiny whiny details. Fine. Here is the work order.”

#

Vader went to see worker #11472 about the job.

“What about it?” said the worker.

“I want it finished it some urgency,” said Vader.

“Fugged aboud it,” said the worker. “I have to install the jacuzi for the emperor. Then I have to find out who has been leaving the toilet seats up in the women’s toilet.”

Vader felt the man was mocking him. He used the Force to choke the man. “Your lack of job prioritization and agile efficiency disturbs me.”

“F-f-fine. I’ll install the damn grating.”

“Good.”

#

Worker #11472 was halfway through installing the steel grating that would have saved the Death Star, when his buzzer rang. In Justin Beiber’s tune.

He groaned. It was the Emperor.

“Yes, my lord?”

“Hey man. My jacuzzi isn’t working.”

“But sir, Vader asked me to fix this steel grating…”

Palpatine waved his hand dismissively. “Vader-Schmader. I got these sexy Twi’lek slaves from Jabba, and I can’t keep the poor ladies waiting.. They are juicy enough to even turn the stodgiest old Jedi to the dark side. Yum yum, if you know what I mean.”

Worker #11472 did not know what he meant.

“Sir, I will be there in 5 minutes, once I finish this job.”

“5 minutes! Are you kiddin’ me? I can’t keep the old dark side tool up for that long, if you know what I mean.”

Worker #11472 did not know what he meant.

“Listen, just get your ass up here before I fire some Sith bolts at you.”

Worker #11472 made his way to the Emperor’s private bathroom. On the way there, he looked out the window and saw red lights flashing, enemy ships flying by.

“What’s going on out there?” he asked a bored security intern.

“Psshaw. Nothing. Some foolish rebels who think they can destroy the Death Star. What are the chances of that happening?”

The worker laughed. “Yeah, it’s not like we have some stupid weakness that a little kid on this first mission could find exploit.”

They both laughed.

#

Five minutes later, the Death Star blew up.

The Emperor’s last thoughts were: Damn, those Twi’leks went to waste. At least I saved a donut.

Worker #11472’s last thought was: At least I don’t have to listen to Justin Beiber anymore. That must count for something.

Tarkin’s last thought was: I wish I had gotten more speaking lines.

Scooby Doo’s last thought was: So it was old man Henderson dressing up as Santa so he could drink all the milk in the fridge, and blame poor Vader. And he would have gotten away with it too..

And Vader’s last thought was: At least my porn collection has been destroyed.

The End

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